39...and 3 days

Ahhhh...the watermelon. It used to be one of my favourite fruits. Now that I have identified it with this growing baby in me? Not so much. Not only is he the size of a "oooohhh yeah, get THAT one" watermelon, but my belly is as hard as a watermelon shell as well. I could fall over and I'd probably bounce.

Unlike some baby bellies that are just round, this one looks like a prosthetic. When I face the mirror, you can see the outline of the uterus and it really does look like someone has glued a watermelon to my front and then puttied over it.

No, my hospital bag is still not packed. I think its because I have a "when my labour starts" to-do list that includes:

• showering, 
• blow drying my hair,
• painting my nails,
• packing my bag,
• emailing/texting/calling family
• unloading/reloading the dishwasher

Almost every woman I've spoken to has said that she wishes she spent more time at home during the first stage of labour. So I'm taking some advice. Every hospital brochure and online resource tells us to "sleep" and "rest" and "be calm" during the first stage until the contractions reach that 5 minute point. I'm fairly certain that if I am in pain, I will not be able to sleep, nor rest, nor relax. So I might as well be productive!

I want to touch on something here: I've had so many lovely emails and notes lately from friends and family asking about my excitement to meet Baby for the first time. I've had people ask if I just can't wait to go into labour. The truth is: Yes, I do need to go into labour, STAT, because we have Christmas Eve fast approaching. However, No, I am not excited. And it isn't only anxiety over the delivery - though there is some.

We are just not...excited.

I have no doubt that we'll be overwhelmed with love once he's here, and that we'll be so thankful for him. But right now? Right now, we're both struggling to deal with the loss of "us". Yes, I know it sounds selfish, but I'm speaking truth here folks. Like it or lump it. We're struggling to come to terms with zero down time between the big life changes we've had this past year. I think it's good to be honest about this, even though it doesn't sound nice. Some women really really love to be pregnant. Some women can't wait to meet their newborn. Some women are wholly identified by the fact that they are pregnant. I'm just not one of those women. Once my pregnancy cleared the "Safe Marker" of 16 weeks, it became a sideline. We had too much going on for me to be lying on the couch feeling unwell, or shopping for maternity clothes, or worrying about a nursery or doing prenatal yoga or classes. Life goes on, at a frantic speed. I had to keep up.

Before you heap mounds of tsk-ing and sighing on me, you should know that its just my personality. We just had to get on with our daily living.

So when I felt really unwell and had intensifying pain which began Sunday afternoon and continued through to bed on Monday evening, I thought "oh good, I'm going to go into labour tonight or tomorrow, and that'll be good because we'll still have the weekend before Christmas and James will get a solid 5 days off at home".

And when I woke up this morning and the pain had completely subsided, I was pretty frustrated. No baby Dawson on Dec.18th. Perhaps the time will be right on Dec.20th.

The gist:
Emotionally - I am anxious, but not excited. Preparing for and accepting the unpredictability of our future life as a family.
Physically - I'm a lovely 20lbs up from my pre-baby weight, and carrying a flesh coloured watermelon in front of me. Aches and pains, no contractions. No swelling either though - thank you Lord.